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[10 10 09 @ 12:55pm] |
Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
it's amazing how every single word of this song is so true right now.
IT'S CRAZY.
i feel like i can breathe a little easier now.
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[9 17 09 @ 7:28pm] |
So much time has passed. I have these moments where I think to myself where are you, who are you, what day is it today? Time is lost on me. It always has been. To me, the most sensible thing about time is that the clock is a perfect circle. I keep coming back here; back to this place, but on a different day and with a different set of eyes. I read an old journal this morning. Nearly by accident, but not exactly. It had been lying there in my closet waiting for a home after a recent unpacking. Before I retired it to the drawer where I retire things, I gave it one last look. A page from another life. Same person, different day, different set of eyes, lighter pressure on the pen. A page full of certainty and also full of questions. It's always strange to read the things you've hoped for in the past because by now those hopes may be spoken for or gone, transformed or altogether forgotten. Like time, hope can be so senseless. It can carry us up mountains or lie us in the quicksand. But like time, hope is unstoppable, inevitable, and blind. Sometimes we travel fast, hurdling towards the unknown, sometimes the unknown comes hurdling towards us while we watch time standing still. All of this means very little I'm sure, but it felt like something when I sat down to write it. -Andrew MacMahon
as of right now, i feel as though i am in the same exact spot i was in this time last year. i have the same uncertaintys and the same feelings of detachment. it hasn't been like that the entire year, but just recently. how can i enjoy just being alone? especially since i can't even stand myself at this point. i hate when i get like this, but there's not a damn thing i want to do to change it. well, i want to change it, i just...can't. what i hate the most is, i'm hurting the one person who is the best thing to ever happen to me. i don't know why, but i can't stop myself from pushing him away. and i can't let myself fall in love with him. he needs to let me go, because i'm not strong enough to leave him. i hate myself for doing this to him and i think that's why i can't really talk to him right now. i know that if i was in his shoes, i'd be fucking heartbroken. he deserves so much better than this. he deserves so much better than me.
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[5 11 09 @ 6:40pm] |
my little brother went to prom on friday. i've never felt so old before in my entire life. i went to promenade. it felt like my prom was like yesterday. when did he grow up? when the hell did i grow up? well, i need to grow up. i haven't done a god damn thing in my life that i'm proud of, or even that's worthy of being proud of. i am having a really good time, so i guess that's all that matters... for the time being.
i've been working out a lot since feburaryish, except for last week, i was a fatty, ugh. i can actually see some definition in my belly area and i'm liking it. i am able to run a mile without stopping, which is totally awesome, considering i couldn't even run a block. i'm going to try not to drink so much, either. i haven't drank since my birthday and i don't really want to. that's like a record for me. i also have been more aware of my calorie intake. it sucks, but it's for the better. though, i haven't lost any weight (ok, i lied, 2 lbs) and it's frustrating!
anyways, i really like my job and everything, but sometimes the hours can suck really, really, bad. i work 400am-1230pm and i can't really do anything the night before i have work. i also work with this kid that i fucking hate. i don't hate anybody, so it obviously takes a lot for me to hate anyone, but i can honestly say that i hate this little motherfucker. when i first started he was like all over me and i didn't reciprocate so i guess that pissed him off. one, he's 19yrs old with a girlfriend and has twins with her. 2. he's not cute. 3. he's an arrogant asshole. and most importantly, 4. i wouldn't leave/cheat on jay for/with anyone, let alone him. me and this kid were on good terms, but he always had something mean to say to me. for example, this one day someone asked me to do something, and i was just smiling about it, and he's like don't smile and i shot him the dirtiest look. then, like a half hour later he's like smile, you look like a boy when you don't, so i said then don't fucking look at me, and i haven't talked to him since. he was always calling me fat and said that i was 8 steps down from the girls that he gets. he would just walk by and call me a bitch or a slut, or grab me and/or say really inappropriate things. or he'd tell me he was going to beat up my boyfriend. it doesn't bother me what he thinks about me at all, but seriously, i don't know who the fuck he thinks he is or why thinks he can talk to me like that. or why he thinks i would tolerate it. yesterday, after not talking to him for like 2 weeks, he just starts going off (for no fucking reason! i'm pretty sure he's bipolar) on my how he's going to get his g/f to beat me up and that i'm fat and blah blah blah, and i'm like, dude, go ahead, you don't intimidate me in the least bit. then he's like and you can bring your man and i'll beat him up too, when i didn't even mention jay because i don't fucking care. and as soon as you say anything back to him, he gets all pissed off that you actually defend yourself and don't just take his shit. i've seen him do this more than once. i'm not one to take anyone's shit and i am especially not going to take shit from this stupid fuck. it was just me and him all day today and i didn't even look at him. he didn't say anything to me because other people weren't around to impress, i guess. i wish he would just say the wrong thing to someone and they would just beat his ass. maybe it will be me, hah! everyones like, you should tell someone, and i'm like and then what? we have to sit down and talk to each other about this, or he gets fired and then he goes crazy on me or something and it gets really out of hand. you know what i mean?
i don't know, i think i'm going to apply to other jobs, because this girl that works there that i've been hanging out with a lot lately, says that they give like 11 cent rasies and shit. she's been there 4 yrs and only makes 75 cents more than i do/when she started. it's not like we sit around and do nothing, we've probably got the hardest job in that entire place, and the worst hours. and you can go to any other place and do the same job for at least 2 dollars more an hour. gay.
anyways, that's my rant.
andddd, i forgot how good straylight run is. and now that they got rid of the girl and replaced her with a guy, it's going to be that much better. john nolan is doing a solo project, too. i can't fucking wait to hear it, he's amazing.
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[4 09 09 @ 6:47pm] |
i've decided that my life is on repeat, and the only thing that changes are the people involved ...and well, my age.
i already know the ending to this story.
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[2 21 09 @ 4:31pm] |
i've been noticing a few things about me that i hate and need to change. i guess i've always noticed them, but recently they've been really getting to me.
1. i'm a pretty easy going person, but when some things don't go my way, i get mad, and it's mainly at myself for getting pissed in the first place. this really only applys to boyfriends. the boyfriends i have are usually all about me (not that i WANT this it's just something that happens over the course of the relationship), and when they choose something(the smallest things) over me, it really gets to me. i don't know if i'm insecure and think they're donig something behind my back or what. i know that they aren't, or at least hope they aren't, and it pisses me off that i let something so stupid get to me as much as it does. i'm pretty sure jay knows this about me, but i've never told him about this, nor have i ever told him i was pissed about it, nor have i stopped talking to him b/c of this, he can just tell. which is cool that he knows me that well already.
2. when i get into an argument with someone and i think their side of the story is completely dumb. who am i to tell someone when their feelings get hurt that they're being absolutely ridiculous and my feelings are the only ones that matter? i LOATHE the fact that i do this, and it needs to change right now. especially since i'd probably feel the same way if someone did the stuff to me as i do to other people. ugh. i really am a horrible person.
- however, i like the fact that jay can be a dick back to me and argue and not just agree with me for the sake of not arguing and actually feel strongly about a totally different opinion than mine. it's something i NEED for him to do.
3. also, jay always tells me i'm pretty, etc., and i always feel like i need to look my absolute best in front of him. though, i rarely ever dress up, he rarely ever see's me without makeup. but i STILL don't FEEL pretty and it makes my self esteem worse than it is. does that make sense? it probably doesn't help that i think he's way out of my league, either. he told me the other day that he wished i could see myself the way that he see's me. i agree, i wish i could.
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[2 02 09 @ 8:07am] |
i just got really irritated all of a sudden. i can't stand the fact that i work, and yet, i'm still broke as fuck. i don't understand it. like what the hell? i've been thinking about this a lot and all of sudden it just really got to me. okay, i know i don't work that much, but the economy is so shitty that there isn't hours for anyone, anywhere. i'm just being ass raped. almost as if i'm working for free. i owe my mom 400 dollars this week, and my check is barely going to be 400 dollars. i was bring home like 300 dollar paychecks from auntie annes every week. FUCK! so now i don't have any money until 2 more weeks, if i'm lucky. what am i supposed to do for gas and shit? i can't fucking take it anymore. i can't wait to get my god damn tax return check back. it better be as big as i'm thinking. fuck money, man, all it does is cause problems. let's go back to the bartering system. it's always a win/win situation.
anyways, i'm not tired and i have work again tonight, so i guess i'll just sleep the entire day away like always. i'm too stressed out to sleep, though. blah. i rarely ever get stressed out about money so i don't know why i'm stressing out so bad now. maybe it's b/c i'm selfish and i want to buy brand new and new found glory tickets before they sell out and what not. i don't care though, i'm rarely ever selfish and i haven't been to a show in over a year. and i used to go to them like 3 times a month. hell, i haven't even been going out as much since i got fired from auntie annes cause i didn't/don't have money. i think it's all taking a toll on me now. and you know what, i think i deserve to actually go out and fucking do something i haven't done in forever. i think once i get the tickets i'll feel much better. hopefully i get them or else i might cry.
so, all in all A BIG FAT FUCK YOU GOES OUT TO GEORGE BUSH. IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT. AND TO ALL THE DUMBASSES THAT VOTED HIM BACK INTO OFFICE. GO KILL YOURSELVES.
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[1 27 09 @ 6:25am] |
i haven't really written anything in a while, whether it'd be private or on here, and i think i need to. i'm trying to get back into the swing of things and i guess i'm doing okay. i finally got a new job so it's weird trying to work after 5 months off, but i haven't complained. i don't like getting paid bi-weekly though. it sucks cause i run out of money way too fast, but what else is new. it's kind of weird how having a new job makes me sort of miss auntie annes. i think it's only cause i'm so quiet and don't really know anybody yet and am just getting used to what to do. i do need to get a 2nd job though because i'm not getting many hours, but it took me forever to find this one, so who the hell knows how long it'd take me to find another one. plus, i'd need to find one that was super flexible. heh, good luck.
i hate how like, sometimes i feel so good, and other times i feel so sad. but i don't think it's bipolar or anything because it's like half the month i feel good and the other half i feel sad. i don't know why that is or what it's even over, but i wish it would stop because it's really starting to get old.
i hate when people who have been going out for like 2 months tell each other that they love each other. like, it makes me doubt my relationship with jay because i'm not even anywhere close to telling him i love him. how can 2 people meet and just know that they love each other? i've never felt that in my entire life and i don't think it's for real at all. hell, it took me like a yr to feel and say it to matt. but me and jay are on the same boat and we've both talked about this and we both feel that it's definitetly not something we are going to say to each other anytime soon. we're on the same boat about a lot of stuff though, and i don't know if that's good or bad. we both have had long term relationships that we've sorta recently just got out of and we're both sort of scared of getting hurt again. but he and his ex broke up in april, and then he jumped into another relationship after that and then we started talking as soon as that relationship went to hell. it kind of makes me a little skeptical, because at least i had time to go out and date a lot more than just one other person. plus, i've had sex with a lot more (well, not a lot more, but enough more) people than he has and i feel like he needs to go out and expierience sex with other girls before he's tied down to me type of deal. i've talked to him about this before and he said that he doesn't care about that, and i think he will eventually. it's something i was super curious about when i though me and matt were going to be "together forever" and it bugged the hell out of me. but i know now i won't ever feel that way again because it's something i already got out of my system, i guess. i'm not saying that me and jay are going to get married and whatever, but if we end up falling in love than yeah. i think, i think way too much into things like this. also, i don't know if this is a good or bad thing either, but it's like me and jay are sooo comfortable with each other and neither one of us are like that with anyone. it's like we started a relationship that was already 2 years old. maybe that's just what happens when you grow up and aren't 16 anymore.
anyways, the other day, he seemed so distant from me all of a sudden, and all it made me think of is when matt made himself so distant towards me and i drove myeslf fucking crazy just thinking about it. it's so strange how one person can make you so god damn vulnerable to something so stupid. i didn't start a fight with him or anything about it because i knew it was all in my head. it's something i will never do is bring a past relationship into a new relationship because it's just something you can't do. jay did that to me a lot in the begining and i just got so fucking fed up with it that i told him i wasn't going to pay for someone else's mistakes b/c i'm someone completely different. and that is why you cannot jump from one relationship to another. and why i didn't let myself be in one until recently. and even now i'm still a little hesistant about it, but i'm just going with the flow. i don't think i'm scared of getting hurt again, i mean, i've done it once i think i can do it again, but even then i don't think it'll ever hurt as bad as it did the first time, right? on the other hand, i believe that everytime you fall in love it's just that much greater than the time before so i guess it'll just make it hurt worse. who knows. i just know that the whole matt situation is something i don't ever want to deal with again, so i'm hoping the next guy will uhh, be a bit more mature about the whole damn thing. i'm assuming they will be becuase i think it will be a little hard to top that immaturity level on breaking up with someone.
i want to go away on vacation. i haven't gone away in a year and i need to see a pretty beach soon!
this entry is so jumbled and retardedly written, but it's time for bed and i don't care.
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[1 19 09 @ 6:16am] |
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tonight was a really pretty night. i love nights when it's snowing, even if it's just the slightest bit, and a little humid, and you're surrounded by street lights and kisses. it's the only thing i like about winter. i can't wait for the ski trip, it's going to be beautiful.
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[10 05 08 @ 1:11am] |
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i haven't been doing much, really. yesterday was the first time i went out in a while and i actually had a good time. i almost don't care about going out at all, anymore. i've been in a huge slump and i'm not too sure what about. i feel like most of my friends don't care too much about me anymore, but that's probably just me. i haven't felt this way since about 9th going into 10th grade. it's weird, i can remember everything about that time period too, and everything after just seems like nothing. it's kind of like i never left it that's why it's so vivid. it's also like i'm reliving all those events too, but just with different people, and at a completely different point in my life. which i guess is cool, cause if it's anything like that point in my life, things are only going to start looking up rather soon (yes, i'm thinking optomistically).
well, lets start with my feelings about this boy i've been seeing. they're non existant almost, i don't know how i feel and i assume that i don't feel anything. he's really cool, cute, nice, and funny, but i just don't feel a connection, or something. i'm going through a selfish stage and i just want to be by myself. i honestly don't think i have feelings for anybody. i mean i used to have really strong feelings for this other kid for a while, but even they have pretty much turned to nothing. and the last person i had feelings for before him was for matt. and i think the fact that i don't have such strong feelings like i did for either of them for this kid that means i don't have them. right? i mean it's not supposed to be this difficult. i just feel really horrible because he always tells me how much he likes me and i just kind of smile, and not say anything back. and everyone is always like "omgg!#!@# you guys are so cute together" so it's like i almost have to like him cause then i'd be the asshole (what else is new?). we don't have a "title" or anything, but i'm not seeing anyone else, and neither is he. honestly, i don't want to, i have no interest. i don't even have any interest in hooking up with random guys like i used to. i was in a relationship for a while, and then played the field for a while, and now i think it's time for just me. he turns 21 (yeah, i always pick the young ones) this week and we're supposed to go out and do a lot of things, so maybe i'll figure it out then? who knows. but i really just have this preconcieved notion that i don't have feelings for him because i don't know how i feel and that's how i keep thinking.
september was just a really bad month for me. maybe it's the season change that's gotten me so down. my self confidence has even turned to shit. i feel so ugly anymore. maybe october will brighten up my spirits. i've got a lot of shit going on between halloween parties, birthdays, and actually being able to go out with a "boyfriend". i should tell him how i feel, but what happens if they change, you know? and we keep making all these plans to go places in like november, probably not a good idea, but i think we could be friends if things don't work out. hell, he's like really good friends with his ex gf and they went out for like 3 years and just broke up in like april. but no one seems to like to keep a friendship with me after these situations (cause i'm so hot and sexy they can't have me just as a friend;] ). he knows i've been feeling down though. i think if he tries to make it "official" i'll tell him how i feel, unless i start to really get into him. it's weird cause sometimes i'm really into him and sometimes i'm not. ugh, why am i such a girl?!?! he needs to not be so into me and i'd probably be all over him, haha. he met my family and such and seems to really like them and they seem to really like him as well. i usually don't pick bad guys, so whats not to like? haha, exactly, what's not to like!!!!! life.fucking.blows.right.now. but i just keep telling myself it could always be a lot worse.
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[9 05 08 @ 3:16am] |
hello.
i need a job, since i was fired from mine about 2 months ago. not that i care because i needed to get the hell out of that place. plus, now i'm getting paid to do absolutely nothing, but it's not really covering the bills. i'm also kind of excited to start a new job (if i ever find one!) cause i'll get to meet new people and it's really just like starting all over. don't get me wrong, i love my friends to death but it's exciting meeting new and different people.
i've been feeling really detached from everything lately. i don't know why or when it began, but it's really horrible. i want to go to school. i want to know what the fuck i actually want to do with myself too. i feel as though i'm the last passenger on the train and i keep missing my stop because i have absolutely no ambition to move. i have no emotions towards anything going on in my life right now and it's making me fucking crazy. like, i've been dating this boy for like almost a month...he's really fucking cool and super cute and makes me feel really good about myself and all that good that stuff. but for the first time in a long time i'm completely okay just being by myself and i feel like that's really all i want to be now is by myself. maybe he's just what i need to... snap out of it soon? at least i'm thinking optimistically here. i don't really know how i feel towards him just yet, but that's because i'm just so damn apathetic anymore. when he's around though i do have a good time and we talk a lot about pretty much everything which is fucking awesome. like we've layed in my bed for like 2 hours one night just talking. and when he sleeps over he holds me and it just makes me feel really good. maybe he really is just what i need. hmm... well, i guess i'll continue to think about that.
i love how writing makes me feel a hundred times better and helps me to figure things out. at least i can say that it is something i enjoy doing.
i wish i wasn't on this --- going to bed at 5am and waking up at 3pm --- scheduale. i fucking hate it. it literally hurts waking up...more than it ever did waking up with an alarm. i don't know why thats all about. than again, i don't know much about anything.
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[4 28 08 @ 1:48am] |
i can't fall asleep. i didn't sleep that much last night, and i even woke up early today so i should be beat to hell. i have like anxiety, and i don't even know what over. i need to stop anticipating my life so much. i want everything right now, but i'm getting nowhere fast, i feel like. i don't know, i hate waiting around. especially when i don't even know what i'm actually waiting around for. i just feel stuck. i hate being stuck. i need to get out and soon.
speaking of nothing to do with anything, but i just thought about how much i want my lip pierced, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to do it the next time my parents go away for a week. even if they come home and tell me to take it out, it's whatever, at least i can say i still got one. i'm young, and i should be able to do whatever the fuck. if they kick me out (which i don't think they will), i've got plenty of people who will put me up.
another speaking of nothing to do with anything situation, since when are guys more into girls that girls are into guys? seriously, every guy that i meet lately is like on my fucking dick. hop off it already, dude, i'm not going to have sex with you b/c you call me "baby" or "babe" and brag about how much money you make and how smart you are. i don't care. and no, i don't want to hang out at your house after meeting you one time when i was drunk as shit. jeez, why don't you take me on a real date, that'll IMPRESS me more. although, i did have a few nice guys who actually have taken me out on dates without wanting to fuck me afterwards. haha, but i don't know if that's a good or bad thing! well, good for me, cuz i obviously could care less.
but anyways, i need to go to sleep. i have work tomorrow morning. i'm still in the god damn fucking shit hole. i need a new god damn job so bad, but i don't even know where to start looking. i'm pretty much just hoping for one to fall into my lap. and one that doesn't give drug tests cuz that's fucking gay. so what if i smoke weed? about 85% of the country probably does, get the fuck over it already and find a REAL god damn problem with this country, you know, like the president for example.
i'm still not tired. usually writing makes me feel a little less anxious, but i guess i can't really feel any less anxious if i don't know what i'm anxious about. woah, anxious much? blah. i'm pretty sure it's my job, i hate going there anymore and i don't give a fuck at all about that place anymore. seriously, why the fuck should i? it's cool b/c now i actually say what i want to rude/dumb fucking customers. i want to get fired so i can collect unemployment, so hopefully i can find a way to do that. HOPEFULLY i can find a way to find a new fucking job. come on life, work yourself out a little bit faster, please.
it's raining outside. that always makes me a lot more calm, as weird as that is. they say you gotta live through the rain! so good(?!?!)night.
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[4 11 08 @ 1:28am] |
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i don't think i've ever been so frustrated in my life. let's blow off some steam, shall we? so work (woah! new topic) is fucking ridiculous. i need a new god damn job ASAP! know of any? anyways, so let's talk about how back in like summer, they promoted people to shift supervisor, me being one of them. ok, so getting into january, the other 2 main shift supervisors can't really work b/c of school, so you know, i start running my own shifts before either of them do. awesome. then the one starts running her own shifts soon after. and then the other one didn't start running his own shifts until LAST WEEK. so, back in the begining of march, they tell the three of us that only two will be promoted to assistant managers. pretty much everyone thought it was in the bag for me because i was the only one who worked all the god damn time, ran my shifts, had to count down THREE fucking stores, worked 11-10 EVERY wednsday, had 40 hours a week basically, and pretty much did everything an assistant manager would do. so on monday, my manager tells me that i'm not going to be one of them b/c i didn't seem to care enough about the postition..she said...b/c i didn't ask her about when they were going to promote people and they other two did.... HELLO UNPROFESIONAL MUCH?!?!?! why the FUCK should i ask that question? she also said that everytime i come in she has to tell me what to do...and i'm like yeah, okay, i run my own god damn shifts every fucking day, but i don't know what the fuck i'm doing. COME ON NOW!!!!!!!!!! how does any of this make any fucking sense? well i was just like whatever and just walked the fuck away. so basically what they want me to do is pretty much do EVERYTHING the assitant would do PLUS work a lot more, but get paid less, and not have any of the benefits (i.e paid vacations, bonuses, etc). fuck. i've worked there for 5 fucking years and this that they promoted over me (who like i said ran his first shift last week and i've been running mine for 4 months!!!!) has been there for like 3. he's terrible, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. but it's whatever, he kisses ass and he's as fake as the rest of the managers there so i guess he does deserve the god damn postion. you know, i'm mad, but i'm not not at the same time b/c i feel like they did me a huge fucking favor. this is the last fucking time they're going to fuck me over. screw it. i hope my manger tries talking to me about this again b/c i have so much shit i have to say. and pretty much everyone told me that this whole situation IS bullshit and that they'll probably quit too. FUCK YOU AUNTIE ANNES. shove it up your fucking asshole.
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[3 23 08 @ 11:52pm] |
sometimes, i feel like life likes to test the hell out of me to see if i'm even worth keeping alive anymore. it sucks, but it kind of makes me feel good when i don't get too upset. i feel like i'm having the time of my life but at the same time i'm dying inside. there's no in between and i don't know what the fuck that's all about. STOP THROWING ME SO MANY GOD DAMN LEMONS, I'VE ALREADY MADE ENOUGH LEMONADE TO LAST A LIFETIME!
anyways, i hate feeling jealous. i have no reason to be jealous, but i can't help it. even though he has this "girlfriend" type of deal thing going on, i'm not jealous of her at all, but when he talks about other girls, i get super jealous, and sort of mad, b/c he knows how i feel about him so i don't know why he has to tell me other things. to try to get under my skin? see if i still care? or maybe b/c he just doesn't truly understand. i have no idea, but i pretend like it doesn't bother me and i just humor him, and that's really the only thing i can do. but he throws me off guard sometimes, he tells me he just wants to be friends and that we can't make out, drunkingly really anymore, but HE kissed ME the other night and kissed me for a while. we both kind of pretended it didn't happen, and it's not awkward at all (at least not to me, i don't think he feels awkward either b/c we still talk the same way), i'm just so confused about the whole thing and i don't want to look like some psycho bitch.
speaking of drunken make outs, i need to stop having those with all of my guy friends.
i'm too much of a make out whore when i'm drunk.
and i'm drunk too, too, often.
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[3 10 08 @ 2:25am] |
i hate my dreams. they make me feel so fucking shitty. they're so real, but at the same time i know that they aren't. they kind of give me "hope." not that i want it or need it or anything. i don't know. it's really hard to explain. i just... miss it so bad, that's all.
it doesn't take much to keep holding someones hand
you'll have to keep your eyes open as wide as you can
you never know what could come along.
sometimes people think that they are so in love
but it's the first person that they have ever been with
i think it's so stupid.
so stupid.
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[2 27 08 @ 2:19am] |
i feel fucking amazing right now.
it's unreal.
that is all.
goodnight.
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[2 26 08 @ 2:21am] |
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today was a better day. probably cause i worked and wasn't sitting around wasting away time thinking about things that don't matter. i need to stop living in the past. that was always a problem of mine, i think. i know in a year or two (maybe sooner) it will all be so insignificant. just like the past is now, especially highschool. 4 years of that and i don't remember a god damn thing really, and i don't care to. i'm not letting it get me down to the point where i don't want to do anything. i actually go out a lot more than i ever did and i really do have a good time. i must have added about 10 new numbers to my phone. granted, i don't talk to any of them really, but it helps numb the pain and makes me feel good about myself. anyways, i haven't seen well.. him in a while. maybe that's why i've been feeling pretty awful. and i was just thinking to myself today about that, and guess who shows up? him. i couldn't of been anymore excited that that had happend. i'm sure he was the reason my day went better. but sometimes, i feel like he thinks i'm like a crazy psycho. it's probably all in my head, but i feel like he looks at me differently b/c of whatever happend between us. and what's not happening between us now. i don't know if it's a good different or a bad different. he sends me mixed signals, i guess you can say, or at least thats what i think they are. he has this "girlfriend" type thing so it's not like we are flirty anymore..at least not like we used to be. it's hard to say how he feels. sometimes i feel like he wants to be with me but there's other factors in the way, and other times i feel like he wants nothing to do with me. like he wants to hang out but never follows through with it. but usually when we hang out we're supposed to be drinking and he's all for it until it comes down to it. i think he thinks i'm going to like rape him or something cuz of other situations (and no, i did not rape him or anything like that just sarcasm). but i know my limits and i know when someone is off limits. but it's weird to, because to everyone else he refers this girl to as his girlfriend .. and to me, he just refers to her as a friend, pretty much, and when i say his girlfriend he always tells me she's not. i made this situation sounds a lot more horrible than it actually is. i just pretend that this whole situation doesn't bother me, and i think that might get to him a little bit, maybe. i don't know. i think too fucking much.
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[2 25 08 @ 1:47am] |
i still feel really horrible.
i don't want to go to sleep cuz i know i'm going to have all these crazy dreams.
my brother was talking to him today on aim.
i didn't want to read the conversation and i knew i shouldn't have, but i did anyways.
nothing really new, like i expected, but it still really fucking hurts to hear/read.
i wish he didn't tell me he was talking to him.
better yet, i wish i would have listend to my mind telling me not to read it.
but i guess i was wishing on a better outcome.
how conveinent is it the day that i'm feeling the shittiest he goes and talks to him?
i don't want him back, i know i don't.
i just can't stop thinking about everything we've shared.
and how it was all gone in an instant.
it's been almost 3 fucking months, get the fuck over it already. really.
i hate myself so fucking much right now.
i can't even pinpoint my problem to even begin to solve it.
i'm so fucking heartbroken still.
and i'm so scared.
and so sad.
and so alone.
and i don't want to be anymore.
i can't understand why i'm taking this so hard.
we grew apart.
we fell out of love.
we both knew it was over before it was.
he wasn't given me what i needed.
& i'm sure i wasn't given him what he needed.
we weren't happy anymore.
we fought more than we talked.
and honestly, i was contemplating on breaking up with him since like may.
and i don't know why i feel so horrible b/c i had time to think about it, obviously.
this is the best worst thing to ever happen to me. i know it.
and i don't ever want to go through it again.
i know i'm not the first, or the last person to go through something like this.
and i know there's worse situations people have gone through.
and i know there's someone better for me.
someone who likes to go out, and in my eyes, have a good time.
someone i can actually go to an amusement park with, or better yet, disney world.
someone who isn't going to tell me shit that's not true just to please me.
someone who's a little bit more grown up and doesn't depend on mommy and daddy for everything.
and i'm sure he needs someone of the complete opposite.
and that's why we didn't work out.
i don't want revenge anymore.
i don't want to make him feel as horrible as he made me feel anymore.
right now, i just want you to go away, please?
i wish what they did in eternal sunshine was real.
good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
yup, yup, true story.
also, i need to stop wishing.
wishes never come true.
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[2 24 08 @ 11:19pm] |
ugh, just go away, please? just go away.
that's all i want in this world is for you to just go away.
and take this pain in my chest with you.
stop it. i'm going to be just fine.
i am fine. i'm fine.
what a fucking awful day this was.
no more dreams, please.
i hate sleeping anymore.
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[2 24 08 @ 4:02pm] |
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the last couple of days i felt so blah. i was feeling really good about everything and then that went to shit. fuck. it started when i got really fucked up the other night and i saw how cute my little brother and his girlfriend were being. i got super jealous, i guess you can say, and i started thinking about all the times me and matt were fucked up together and how badly i wanted him there with me. and how badly i just wanted to just fucking talk to him at all. and how bad it fucking sucks that he doesn't feel the need to ever want to talk to me. it's so hard. and i just don't get how he doesn't feel the same way and how it's so easy for him (i guess maybe, b/c he has another girl). i knew i had to go to bed before i started to cry (which i haven't done in a while) or called him. i knew i couldn't call him i would have regretted it so hard and i knew that. this break-up is for the better, i know that and i believe that with all of my heart. really, all i want is some kind of civilness between us. like last night i had a dream that we were really good friends and it was awesome. i don't want him as a boyfriend, i mean, he was my best friend, and sometimes i thought we were more friends than we were ever boyfriend and girlfriend. i just want some answers, or some closure, or to know that he actually cares, at least a little bit. but i guess he doesn't. and i don't think i'll ever get it, which i guess is fine, i've been doing okay so far. like, it really doesn't bother me if he's with another girl like it did before, and it doesn't make me sick to think he's fucking someone else, either. which is awesome, b/c that fucking sucked. i don't know. i know i'm all over the map, but i guess thats what break-ups do to the dumpee. i hate feeling so alone. come find me, prince charming.
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[2 08 08 @ 3:26am] |
sometimes, i just want to wave my arms, jump up and down, and scream in his face "BE WITH ME AND FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE". i feel like i already have, but he chose not to hear or see me. i don't know why, but i feel like we are supposed to be together. in a way, i've always felt like that, ever since i met him. it's really, really strange. and i sound like a highschooler. but things are ... different. good different. really good different. i'm keeping my patiences though, but for how long..who knows? he knows how i feel. i know how he feels. we(he) decided it'd be best to just be friends...but when it actually comes down to it, that's all we will ever be b/c i don't think he'll ever take a chance on messing that up. ...but really, i'm just going with it.
and i'm not talking about matt, either.
and i'm almost positive it's not my intense vulnerability getting the best of me, b/c i've sort of, kind of, always felt this way, even when i was with matt.
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